The worst date EVER

I started writing this blog post as soon as I got home from what can only be described as the worst date in all humanity- at around 2.30 in the morning. I was pretty much in shock at the evening’s awful events and as there was no one in the world who was awake and wanted to listen to how shockingly awful my evening was, I thought WordPress would probably do the trick. However I fell asleep around 4 words in so here the tale will continue, around a week later.

In my life I’ve been on a fair few tinder dates, had a few weird ones but as it turns out, the weirdest people in the world, are the ones you meet in real life (internet safety lessons- you were wrong).

So I met this “man” (he’s 26 so can’t be classed as a boy but his actions don’t exactly scream ‘adult’) at the bar where I work. He was very flirty, and after having to make about 22 cocktails for the group he was with, there was a fair amount of chatting going on between us. The group he was with were from a gay fetish bar, so I was pretty confused that he was trying to flirt with me (I don’t know many straight men who would want to work in a gay sex bar). But he did, eventually asked for my number and then after being told “oh doooo ittttt, he’s fiiiiit” by a colleague, I gave in and we exchanged numbers.

I should have thought he was a little weird by the fact that he texted me A LOT that evening, and was quite pushy, for example, “I’m going to keep ringing you if you don’t come pick me up from Brighton.” But for some reason I was like ‘well he’s quite keen but he didn’t actually ring me and stopped bothering me once I pretended I was asleep so it’s fine!’

The next morning he apologised for being so needy the night before and explained that he was just drunk, which I could relate to, so we carried on texting throughout the day and agreed to go for  drink that evening.

So the evening rolled around and we met up in Brighton. He’s a little older than the guys I would usually go for, but I thought I’d give him a fair assessment anyway… (although I was picturing us walking around looking like Robin and Bob in How I Met Your Mother…)

himym

It was quite late when we met up, as this was the only time we could both do that week, and my date had been very insistent that we had to meet up THAT WEEK. So here we were wandering around town trying to find somewhere that wouldn’t close in the next half an hour while he continuously told me that he thought I was going to bail on tonight (In hindsight, I probably should have done).

We settled on Be At One and as we were about to walk in, I looked through the open window, and there, sitting on a date was MY EX-BOYFRIEND. It should be noted here that my ex and I still talk, we had met up 2 days before, and had even been texting that day. I therefore felt a bit weird when I saw him and did what any person would do (probaby not) and literally sprinted past Be At One and down the road.

My date caught up with me and was clearly thinking ‘what the fuck’, so I explained that that was my ex and things were a bit weird between us. My date was super unhelpful and said, “oh right well yeah he definitely saw you run past- 100%… and you’ve gone bright red by the way”.

Great!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We walked around a bit more and finally sat down at a pub for a drink. My date at this point was still giving me the third degree about my ex- “when did you break up…why did you break up… do you still talk to him?” He then admitted that he had stalked me on Facebook prior to the date and had seen my ex’s profile too…”why would you go out with HIM?”

I got my phone out to show my date something on my Facebook profile, at which point my ex boyfriend texted me… “Is that your ex saying he saw you run past the window?”

Eventually the subject moved on to his work- the previously mentioned gay fetish bar and he asked me, “okay cards on the table, do you have any fetishes?”

I was feeling pretty shitty at this point and so while he was getting us another drink, I went to the loo and called my best friend… snippets from the conversation include “WHAT THE FUCK,” “he’s so weird,” and I ended the conversation with “I just want to go home”.

As I arrived back to the table, my date asked “nice phone call?”

me: “What??? haaaaahahaaahaha”

date: “I heard the end of your phonecall”

What fantastic news. But at least he now knows that I want to leave and I can go home… or so I thought.

After moving past that awkwardness we had a chat about my work, uni, kind of normal stuff and I started to think that maybe he was more normal than I was giving him credit for. However these thoughts instantly went down the drain when I put my jacket on and he mentioned that he could see my nipples before. Lovely stuff.

The evening briefly picked up again, when he went to the toilet and accidentally texted me instead of his friend saying, “literally no idea mate she’s so hard to read”

This provided some light amusement, partly because it was uncomfortable for him, and partly because it was pretty hilarious that he thought the date could have been anything other than awful. I felt no remorse taking a screenshot of this and sending it to my friends, as well as taking the piss out of him before he could delete the whatsapp message, because at this point I needed my bed and I didn’t care if he hated me. Seeing my ex on a date was enough to want me to go home, let alone having to babysit a boy for the rest of the night who was in shock seeing a nipple shape through a top. But I couldn’t just make something up about having to leave and get the last bus because he lived right down the road from me.

It was after this that he decided to KISS ME: he grabbed onto the collar of my jacket and pulled me in for a smacker. I dodged his face, making the situation even more awkward because obviously- I did not want to kiss him.

Following this altercation, I made it clear that I was tired and so we got a taxi stopping at his and then mine. And in a nice way to end the evening, as the taxi pulled up to his house, he grabbed my phone off me and ran away with it so I would have to follow him into his house. He quickly gave up on this plan when it was clearI would rather lose my phone forever than come into his dungeon, and I hopped back in the taxi and FINALLY escaped back to my house.

My date texted me in one final attempt to get me to come back to his house or alternatively, come on a second date with him- because somehow he saw the evening as a success. But I told him no and thought that would be the last I would hear from him.

That is until a few days later where I discovered that he was now harassing my colleague, and although this colleague was and is my friend, tbh I was just happy that he was on to his next victim and away from me.

That is pretty much the end of my absolute disaster date, and so I am now vowing to be single for the rest of my life.

thank you and goodnight xoxo

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